Doubts

I suppose it will sound strange but after waiting years and years to be told I can have an op on my knee I find myself doubting whether this is what i really want. Will it give me the pain free life i am hoping for or am i exchanging one pain for another.

Lets look at this seriously. Need to ramble.

At the moment i cannot walk anywhere without a great deal of pain. My knees give way and give a lot of pain when they do it. In fact the doctor asked me what the pain was like last time i went to Stafford Hospital. Hard to explain at the time because i hadn't planned on answering that question so hadn't made any mental notes. I can say now that the pain is different dependant on what makes it give way. Sometimes it clicks and gives a sort of sick sore pain and the knee has not strength. Other times it is a grating feeling as though something has got in the way.
I use two sticks every day and whenever i leave the house. There are times when i have to use a stick in the house and those feel worse than anything else because that is like bringing the outside in, the disability into normal life. Most of the time though i can get around just leaning on things from time to time, like leaning on the back of a chair or the back of a sofa.
When i do housework i have to stop and sit down and let my knees bend (which takes a long long time sometimes) and rest. The rests are becoming more frequent.
Today has actually been a good day. I have driven to MK and back and gone to lots of meetings. Shopping this evening was hard, but then it nearly always is. The rain does not seem to make the pain more difficult to take. Not always sure what does trigger it though i know when it gets too cold in the office i have to put my blankets on my knees and round my neck so cold definitely affects it.
If i have the op what is it going to be like? Is the pain still going to be there or will the new knee take the pain away altogether? Dont think anyone can promise me that, but it is what i am hoping for.
Am i scared of the after the op pain, is that why i cannot settle at the moment?
Am i the coward i always thought i was?

Went to see P last night, with K. P is so positive about the op, sees the change in me since i was offered the option but is that change still there or was it just that i was so pleased to see her? It has been a long time.

This is a very boring and mixed up rant but i feel better for having written it down.

Tomorrow i will be happy about the Op again.  Tomorrow i will know that the future is pain free.